Christmas 2020

My Dear Friends in Christ,

The other evening, as I was driving down the county road JJ, into Weston back from Platte City, and as I approached Welt street, I noticed a little magical wonderland of holiday whimsy and joy, lighting up the sky with festive lights, garland, tinsel, inflated Christmas characters, and a picture of Jolly old Saint Nicolas.   

This neck of the woods has really done it right for Christmas.  I felt a sense of joy, good will toward all people, and a profound sense of peace.  It isn’t a sight or something you encounter every day or night, and it isn’t something that happens every year.  This year is different, and yet, it is very much the same.

Because of the magic of these Christmas lights in this little town, I felt God calling me to give thanks because he has helped me to know and appreciate the difference between yesterday and today and tomorrow.  That night, God woke me up to witness the beauty and magic of Christmas.  Jesus Christ has come, he is here, with us, forever and ever.

But this is not where my story began that day.  I was afraid there wasn’t going to be a story to tell at all, if I am being honest.  I have felt like throwing the towel in and giving up.  I am not alone, many of you have felt the same.  We are all in the same boat.

For a very long period now, it has felt like time has stood still, that something has gone wrong, that I have done something wrong, with all the restrictions and warnings and negative pronouncements that have worked against the spirit of God coming into our lives this past year.

And yet, time has moved forward too, which was helping me stay above the glumness and dreariness that has worked to beat down the spirit.  But that day, time stopped.  Yes, things are different, but they are much the same, I told myself.  It is hard to reconcile that, I must admit, and honestly, I have been changed because of it.

Earlier in the day, at 4:00 am in the morning, I experienced emotional and spiritual devastation.  A fear swelled up inside me like a fire burning out of control, raging, and devouring all the good I have ever known, all the good I have ever done, and all the good that is around me, destroying every bit of what I hold dear.  In the air, and in my heart, was a heaviness of worry and want, a strong sense of foreboding and failure.  I was immobilized with concern for the unmet needs of others, my own needs, the needs of my family and friends, even the needs of my enemies.

My mind spun madly in the silence of the early morning, spinning negativity into every nook and cranny of my being, like the snarky ghost of Christmas past.   Was God trying to tell me something?  I couldn’t hear God for all the harmful clamor and unrest in my head and hurt in my heart.  I couldn’t hear God because of fear and longing.

Spinning, spinning, spinning, I confused what needs to be done with what I haven’t done, with what I could have done, with what I couldn’t have done, with what I should have done…yesterday, today, and tomorrow, now and for ages past.  Celebrating a birthday recently, I realized there are far more years in my past now than there will be in my future.  That just added fuel to the fire burning out of control consuming the spirit.

Spinning, spinning, spinning, I wanted to explain to myself what was happening; I tried to dismiss it; I longed to excuse it; I felt the need to justify it.  I thought, yeah, sure, all the people out there think that being a priest is simple, a piece of chocolate cake, that his shoulders are wide enough and his spirit strong enough to carry the world and the Church in a time of change, during a crisis, up against a pandemic, in the face of another election, alongside scandal and controversy, under the stronghold of criticism and judgment, and all that is attached to all the unspoken demands of the many, including my babies Ocho and Cinco.  If I didn’t have a good heart, it would have exploded in that moment, from anguish and torment, to be certain!

Being a flop or a failure or being responsible for a fiasco has never ever entered my mind, much less my heart, it has never been an option for me.  I have never experienced such panic or apprehension, such feelings of worthlessness, so despised and despicable.  These past several months have forced a false sense of futility upon me.  There in the darkness, I didn’t feel safe or secure even with God.   

But I couldn’t just curl up in a knot of futility, I had Sunday Masses to cover and sacraments to plan and preparations to consider for the people whom I care deeply.  The show must go on.  My mind said, “get up and get out and get going, you big baby!”  My heart was heavy though.  For the first time, ever, I didn’t have it in me, and I cried.  I cried because I felt nothing.  I cried because I felt I was nothing.

Before my feet hit the floor, as I do every morning, I prayed “Glory be the Father, and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever, world without end.  Amen.”  That always gets my blood pumping, but I wasn’t even aware of what I had just prayed.  I was lost in the darkness.

Then from deep within me I heard my true and authentic voice cry out, “Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love.  Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created.  And you shall renew the face of the earth.”  The Holy Spirit filled my soul with light and love once again, only more fully.  I realized that day, the show does go on.  With God, the show always goes on.

That day, it did go on, as it has, as it is, and as it will, with or without me, every day moving forward.  That is what God does, in, with and through his creation.  I am thankful God has allowed me in these past seven years to participate from the best seat in the house, for that I rejoice.  I know that will not always be the case and that will become reality as life moves forward, and it always moves forward even when it feels like all has stopped or is standing still.

I live alongside everyone who has suffered and who is suffering.  Every day, in my prayers I lift up all of you to God.  I am right here in the trenches, day in day out, with all of you, not sheltered in a palace or some lofty high place, protected and provided for.  We are in this together.  That doesn’t make me special or unique, I am only human like all of you.  I have lived this difficult time every day thinking of and praying for every one of you.  I have no special code or cure to give you.  I have no special skill or talent to perform for you.  

What I do have, and they are the only things I own, I have faith, hope, and love.  I have faith in God.  I have faith in our Church.  I have faith in our Country.  I have faith in our world.  I have faith in all of you.  I have faith in new beginnings.  Faith changes everything.  I have hope in God.  I have hope in our Church.  I have hope in our Country.  I have hope in our world.  I have hope in all of you.  I have hope for new beginnings.  Hope changes everything.  I have love for God.  I have love for our Church.  I have love for our Country.  I have love for our world.  I have love for all of you.  I have love for all my enemies.  Love changes everything.

This Christmas like no Christmas ever before, I truly want peace.  I want good will towards all people.  I want world peace.  I want peace for my family and my friends and for all my enemies.  Whatever happens, whenever it happens, I wish all of you peace and good will.  I pray Jesus renews your lives and renews the face of the earth.  I know he will.  This I am certain.

May Christmas, and the coming year, bring all the changes in your lives and in your relationships, and in mine, that will deliver God’s promise of peace.  There may not be much else for right now, so take a drive and enjoy the magic of Christmas.

Just Me Steven C.,

Mostly known as Father Steven Curtis Rogers